First Abhorsen's Contribution to Dead Segregation
by Undercooked
Summary: The dead aren't bad - just dead! The terrible tale of Steve the Abhorsen and his zombie date gone wrong. CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I wrote this to avoid sleep. 'Nuff said.

Disclaimer: If I owned this series, I would be able to pronounce all the names. Which I cannot.

**The First Abhorsen and His Contribution to Dead Segregation**

**by Undercooked**

**Chapter 1 - Our Feature Presentation**

The dead aren't bad. They're just dead - plus, they have an insatiable desire to crush human flesh in their unholy maws, but that's not their fault. This is the magical story of why everyone THINKS they're bad.

Steve was the first Abhorsen, but back in his highschool days, he was just known as Steve. Now, back in the day when Steve lived, things were more integrated - adorable little dead children attended school with the less adorable live ones. Prom was a big event in Steve's town, which we shall, in the tradition of hard-to-pronounce town names, call Rjjqwestanre.

Steve had asked the most beautiful zombie girl in Rjjqwestanre to prom - her name was Jolisa, and she was only missing eight teeth. Jolisa, to Steve's surprise, accepted, only to dump him humiliatingly in front of everyone at the dance.

Oh, the humanity! Steve had to retaliate in some way. So he did it in the only way he knew how - he donned a dramatic cloak, stole some bells from the band room, and went to Jolisa's door. When he rang his bells at her, she laughed so hard that she regurgitated her spirit into death.

Thus, Steve became the first Abhorsen, cruelly throwing his dead brethren back into the less than jolly waterpark of death, where the towels were all stained and the water was contaminated with child-pee.

Now, we shouldn't blame Steve for his misconception; if a zombie girl dumped you, wouldn't you think they were all lying, cheating whores? I certainly would. And this is why the dead continue to be persecuted, segregated, re-killed, and thrown out of fast-food places all over the country. You can make a difference! Be kind to a dead person today, and help make our community whole again.

This presentation was funded in part by the Necromancer's Guild of the Old Kingdom, and also Jane Fonda.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - A Love That Will Endure for the Next Fifteen Minutes**

"That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard." Sabriel said decisively.

"...Okay, I'm going to ignore that and destory it." replied Touchstone.

"I am serious! That short, badly animated film made me realize that the dead are not just the dead - they're my brothers and sisters whom I've been horribly mistreating!" exclaimed the current Abhorsen, clutching the completely made-up film to her chest.

"...Okay, I'm going to go ahead and just destroy it." was the reply.

"Why do you always want to destroy things?" she asked, not relenting her hold on the film. "Were you even watching?"

"Um, no, but as it is obviously my role as the male character in this book to be destructive, I think I should take up my duty and annihilate it."

"Oh, please - you cry every time you see roadkill."

"Hey, that's different."

"In what way?"

"I have no idea; just let me be myself, okay, Sabriel? God." And Touchstone left to go color outside of the lines becuase Sabriel was not letting him be himself.

"I vow to show more compassion to the dead from now on!" vowed the girl to absolutely nobody.

Good for her.

"Eek! Help, Abhorsen! Dead things be eatin' me legs!" cried an unfortunate villager.

"Why don't you ask the dead how they feel?" asked Sabriel. "I'm sure you can work something out."

"It's eatin' me legs!" the villager yelled, because she was a minor character and therefore only had one line.

"Why do you be eatin' her legs?" asked the Abhorsen, addressing the nomming dead creature.

"Nom," it replied.

Just then, however, Touchstone ran through nuking everything in his path, which killed the dead thing but also gave everyone in the villiage who hadn't died in the explosions leukemia.

"What the hell?" yelled Sabriel. "I was getting through to it!"

"What? Oh, sorry, I wasn't even paying attention - just destroying shit again." replied the man.

Sabriel seethed. This meant war.


End file.
